夏季的回光返照。

      清早的阳光，依然照得人眼睛生疼。将影子拖得老长老长的，像溺水垂死的人抓着岸边的草。

      早晨7点半的天气，这热气，带着些绝望的意味。

 

      感觉这气候，甚至惨烈过乍暖还寒的春日清晨，雷雨交加的夏日午后，萧寒瑟索的秋日风起，以及肃杀阴暗的冬日雨夜。

      我开始明白火热的夏天是什么意思了。夏天是单身的季节，就必定意味着冬日是恋爱的时候。

     

      春天的时候，我喜欢和小动物在一起；夏天，我喜欢和朋友一起打发漫长的午后；秋天，我想我是喜欢一个人的。

      而上个礼拜突然降温，我清早走在上班的路上，心里冒出个想找个冬日恋人的念头。

 

      昨晚做了一个梦，家乡的好友找了一个11岁的小男友。囧。上次相见时，她还坦诚没交男友来着。目光囧囧。

      我不喜欢做梦，因为我的梦都很匪夷所思从而令我心有惴惴。

 

      令人玩味的是，我愈发肯定一件事：I am letting hormone taken me。

      千古之囧啊。 

      

It has come to my mind that I can not be satisfied by blaming fate for what happened anymore, in the end, that person who should take responsibility, is myself, has to be myself.

 

I could never give him enough protection he needs. I have a job, and I have to make some trade off between them, that means I could not always keep an eye on him and take him to a doctor whenever I thought something goes wrong.

 

The sad and stupid thing is, I treated him like a person, even, like my son. I watched into his eyes whenever I spoke to him, I laughed at him when he did some silly things, like bite his own feet. God knows how much I wanna keep him with me forever or at least for the next ten years (before I have to give him away to have a baby). I naively thought that, to be with me forever, he has to be independent in certain ways, just like a child who has to be alone when his parents are away, but I forgot, there always will be babysitters there for babes, yet no kittysitters for kitties, not a single one which I can afford.

 

I adopted him started with an intention to find a company. Truly, he was so adorable and emotionally attached to me that I could not ask for more, when I found this, I decided to feed him as long as possible. But I messed it up with my own hands.

 

Now, after all these days, I begin to sleep well, eat well. I start to like put his hairy little mouse toy in my knees, just like he used to sit in them, but I am so afraid to inform SPCA about his death, I am so afraid to be asked by my friends about my son’s news.

 

Currently, I just don’t see that I can feed another cat, because I cant find a way to forgive myself.

 

Life goes on, I start to lose his existence when I call his name. I really cherish this once-in-life-time experience however.

 

“领养一只猫，就是一生一世。如果你从来未拥有过一只猫，那么我们可以肯定这是一个改变生命的经验。那份喜乐，安慰和互爱的感觉，是超越语言所能表达，唯有同是爱猫之人才会明了。” -- from SPCA's web

       到最后，我会忘了你，你也会忘了我。

 

       最近继续看芥川龙之介，他说：“强者蹂躏道德，弱者被道德爱抚，被压迫于道德的，正是强弱之间者。”我知道终有一天，我会一跃成为道德强者，或者心安的成为道德弱者。

       原谅我下笔这么晦涩，因为我最近实在没怎么阅读。

       我最近在看网文，然后才知道，原来现在流行穿越或者女尊。推荐一个作家，叫景一宝。我觉得她一定是一个有经历的人，所以写的东西才会那么淡薄凉伤，或者嬉笑怒骂。有一篇文，叫《久不见桃花》，又有一篇文，叫《种个白菜当老公》。

       我之前以为，阅读的境界在于无法掩卷。如今觉得，是在于让你不甚心慌而总会停下来，感受一下真实的世界是如何让人安心。

      

       昨天去听新一届的生力啤酒Wild Day Out演唱会，发现范晓萱是越来越疯癫，蔡建雅的化妆是越来越不忍卒睹，而苏打绿青峰的脸，是越来越胀了。而我继续延续我在黑暗里容易瞌睡的风格，在苏打绿的高潮中钓鱼。

      

       膝盖的包继续青紫着，于是我继续不能跪着。我很喜欢那天我一个人骑着车在路上踉跄的感觉，很流浪的感觉。

       然后我想起今天我看了Coco Chanel那部片，又是一部爱情与梦想的片。当时想看它是因为它标榜着不是爱情片，看完我觉得这就是说爱情。

       原来爱情的美好（残酷）就在于它一定会有fade的那一天，所以我们分外珍惜，而梦想的残酷（美好）就在于，它永远不会fade，所以我们说追求梦想，永远不会有晚的一天。

       我想起来了，当时你说“我爱你”，我什么也没说只是抱住了你。我既不能说“谢谢你”，也不能说“我也爱你”。因为前者是说给那个能支持我实现梦想的人，后者是说给那个我梦想着的人听的。原来你问错了人，我也给错了答案。

       不过，你也让我看清了我的梦想呢。

      

       匝巴一下嘴巴，也许我越发喜爱当一个旁观者，却不自主的摩拳擦掌着。

 

       你看我儿子，睡得多么香。